BSNYC Friday Mystery Sound That May Or May Not Be Coming From Your Bottom Bracket!

Further to yesterday's post, I wish to address some comments:

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

Snob,

Does stringing together some words about a certain subject, and getting someone to publish it make that person an author?

Freds are not athletes and you are no author. Would you agree?

Absolutely, I agree 100%.  I'm not an author.  I'm a Book Fred.

Also, the same commenter had a request:

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

I miss Vito your helper monkey.. I searched your blog and the last reference to him was like back in 2009, but that doesn't sound right...

Anyway, More Vito Please.. yes, that's what I need.

Sorry, can't help you there.  My helper monkey Vito died.  I'm actually pretty sad about it, but it was his time.  He died peacefully and painlessly in a horribly gruesome base jumping accident.  (Success went to his head and he got pretty heavily into drugs and adrenaline sports.)  His helment did not save him.

He did look great in his wingsuit though.  He used to wear it to bars.

Lastly, another commenter took the time to read the post and scroll through over a hundred comments only to leave this one:

Anonymous said...

The variety lacking nasty sarcastic negativity of this blog is just tiring.

March 28, 2013 at 11:26 PM

Oh, shut up.  "Sarcastic negativity" my ass.  Go read some shit about cats.

On a more positive note, yesterday I went here:


The Highbridge Project from yoni arava on Vimeo.

I'd only ridden in Highbridge once before, when the trails had just opened, but I hadn't returned because it was pretty far from where I lived in Brooklyn and in the same amount of travel time or less I could reach far more exotic riding spots.  (And by "exotic riding spots" I obviously mean Long Island, the world's premiere locale for singletrack that's convenient to bagel stores.)

Now, though, Highbridge is only about a 15-minute ride from my estate.  Furthermore, all the bagel stores were closed for Pay-suck leaving me with nothing to do, so yesterday I figured it was about time I knocked around in there a little bit:

Sure, it's not exactly [insert your culturally vapid region that has incredible off-road riding here], but does your mountain bike trail have a subway station?

I didn't think so.

Then again, it probably isn't filled with dirty underpants, drug paraphernalia, and and carcasses of squirrels that have died under suspicious circumstances either.

Nevertheless, I'd argue that the novelty of riding on legal mountain bike trails in Manhattan cancels out the moderate gross-out factor, and if you were arriving via subway, which I wasn't because I already live nearby, you'd see this:

And then you could scamper off into this:

And if you're really lucky, maybe you'll find a Suitcase of Courage like I did:

Though needless to say I didn't open it, because I was afraid it might actually be a Suitcase of Body Parts.

Fortunately, I had brought some courage along with me, but I got a little too courageous and then this happened:

While the bike fell down I actually stayed up, which is one of the more fortunate side-effects of falling into a tree.  Sure, it hurts just as much as hitting the ground, but you don't have to actually make contact with the ground, which in Highbridge is a good way to contract a disease.

Finally, I left the park, and only then did I notice this sign:

The mountain bike trail is what due to numerous dangerous tree conditions?  I assume they mean "closed," but then again maybe they meant this:

Because really, what's more awesome than danger?

Oh, also, before leaving I totally "got rad" on the dirt jumps:

You can see the GoPro footage here.

Of course, when you ride in a place like Highbridge, it's always a good idea to wash the questionable substances off your bike:

And if you think I'm trying to compensate for something with my long stems, think again, because let's just say that's not a hose I'm using to clean the bike.

Now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll be right, and if you're wrong you'll see Fabian Cancellara's Classics bike.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and if you're going to fall be sure to hit a tree.


--Wildcat Rock Machine

("Cobbles.")

1) There's no surer sign of spring than renewed attempts to sell the sport of pro cycling to the masses.  Which is always the big selling point of the Classics?

--"There's cobbles."
--"They ride bikes over cobbles."
--"Did we mention there are cobbles?"
--All of the above

(Religious convictions and safety laws are not always readily compatible when it comes to headgear.)

2) In Brisbane, Australia, turbans may now be worn in lieu of helments.

--True
--False

3) According to professional amateur fixie rider Seabiscuit, on his recreational bike ride through some of the most beautiful scenery in the world he will:

--"Crawl through several layers of hell"
--"Skid through several layers of tire"
--"Wear through several layers of pants"
--"Peel back his steely facade to reveal several layers of douchery"

(Is this the new Rapha pop-up café?)

4) The politically correct term for a Fred is:

--"Physically Active Bicycle Consumer" (PABC)
--"Frederick"
--"Differently-Abled Road Bike Enthusiast" (DARBE)
--"Fredlete"

5) Finally set to debut this spring, the New York City bike share program will only be available in neighborhoods where residential real estate costs over $1,000 per square foot.

--True
--False

("Did somebody say bamboo?")

6) What is a "Bamboobee?"

--Yet another bamboo bicycle on Kickstarter
--An organic breast implant made entirely from bamboo
--An ironic world championship race for bamboo singlespeeds only
--A derogatory term for an Australian, similar to "didgeridouche"

(Is he buying a saddle or getting his prostate checked?)

7) Via a reader, this is apparently how Freds are choosing saddles now.

--True
--False

***Special "Looks Like Torture For Both You And The Dog"-Themed Bonus Video***

Just walk the damn dog and then go for your bike ride.

There's no "I" in "Team," and there's no "Fred" in "Athlete."

Further to yesterday's post, a commenter raised an important point regarding the word "athlete:"

Anonymous said...

You hate Freds with the hatred that only a disillusioned Fred could have. You sound like Michelle Bachman's husband talking about gay people.

That said, I don't know why you keep trying to say they aren't athletes. I mean, they are participating in a competitive physical contest. They're athletes. They might be gear obsessed dweebs, but they are athletes. Give them that much. The old ladies in swimaerobics are athletes too. It's not like you're crowning them the Sultan of Brunei for giving them that title.

March 27, 2013 at 2:19 PM

Firstly, as far as my own disillusionment, I'd say a more fitting analogy would be the ex-smoker talking about the dangers of tobacco.  Secondly, on giving Freds the athlete thing, absolutely not.  I refuse to call them athletes for the same reason I refuse to say that people "curate" their playlists on iTunes.  They're (though I really should say "we're," since I too am a Fred) are not really athletes.  What they're doing is working out, or exercising.  They're athletes like the people you see sweating away in the window at Equinox are athletes.  If a cyclist who's participating in an amateur bike race is an athlete then when I'm defrosting a Trader Joe's pizza I'm a chef.  And sure, I can reheat the shit outta one of those bad boys and it will be delicious, and I might even throw some extra toppings on there just because (ham and Froot Loops baby!), but that doesn't make me Anthony Bourdain.

And if you really want to get technical about it, let's look at the dictionary definition of "athlete:"

Trained?  Skilled?!?  I don't think so.  Nobody who's ever participated in an amateur bike race can possibly claim that any of these people are "skilled."  Not falling down or making someone else fall down is not a "skill," it's just basic survival, and a lot of these people can't even manage that.  And yes, Freds say they "train," but let's not confuse that with "being trained."  An Olympic gymnast who flips fifty times through the air and then lands on a balance beam on her pinky toe has been trained, whereas an amateur bike racer has merely indulged himself extensively before an event.  Freds train for racing only in the sense that the person "clearing the pipes" is training for a big date, or that the person with his face in a bong is training to listen to "The Dark Side Of The Moon."

There are numerous words in the dictionary that fit Fred far better than "athlete" does, and here's just one of them:

Nerd?  Jerk?  Yes, and yes.

Still, I admit that "dorks" is a bit harsh for use in cycling publications and bike-related marketing, and too many people aren't ready to admit that they're Freds, so I'd suggest replacing the word "athlete" with the politically correct yet still technically accurate "Physically Active Bicycle Consumer" (or PABC).  So you ride a lot, talk about "embro," and spent $200 on bib shorts?  Congratulations, you're a PABC.  Good for you.

But while what you are when you're riding a road bike is debatable, there's no debate that when you're riding a folding bike you're a circus bear, and that's what I was when I rode over the Brooklyn Bridge yesterday.  Nobody with any brains rides a bike over the Brooklyn Bridge, and nobody with any dignity rides a folding bike, and the fact that I was doing both should tell you everything you need to know about me.  And in case you don't know why it's stupid to ride over the Brooklyn Bridge, it's because it's crawling with tourists who stand in the middle of the bike lane:

I like how the one on the left is explaining the engineering behind this modern marvel, and how the one in the middle looks like she wishes she was dead:

("I'm in New York City and I'm looking at braided cables.  Kill me.")

But as stupid as I am, at least I'm not one of those idiots who rides across while indignity shouting "Bike lane, bike lane!" at everybody.  Really, we should just surrender the bike lane to the tourists already.  Actually, what they really need to do is close the Brooklyn Bridge to cars, give the wooden walkway to the tourists, and give the roadway to the cyclists.  The drivers can take one of the other bridges, or suck it up and pay the toll for the Battery Tunnel.  Fucking cheapskates.  If you can pay for a car and pay for the gas then you can cough up a few extra bucks for a toll, and if you can't then lose the car and take the bus.  Anyway, I kind of like the idea that I'm making my way into people's photos:

Note the camera angle:

Now whenever they want to remember their trip to New York City they'll have to look at some dork on a folding bike.

Meanwhile, in Brisbane, Australia, a reader tells me that a landmark legal decision will allow a Sikh to ride without wearing a helmenth:

As if mandatory helment laws weren't humiliating enough, the poor guy had to sit through a trial and listen to stupid questions like this:

This proved to be a brilliant tactic, since the spacial intelligence required to visualize the problem made the prosecution's brains hurt so much that they ultimately forfeited the case--but not before some perfunctory cross-examination:

Well, he did say he takes off the turban to bathe, so I'm surprised they didn't claim that before cycling he should take a bath, put on a helment, and then wrap the turban over it.

Anyway, after this profound waste of time, the poor guy is finally clear to ride with only one symbolic hat on his head instead of two.

At least until Nutcase starts making Sikh-compatible helments.

This Just In: Big, Big Savings On Dates!

Who doesn't love a delightfully whimsical "Save The Date?"

Nobody, that's who!

I mean, nobody doesn't like them.  Which is to say everybody likes them.  You know what I mean.

Ordinarily, Save The Dates (or is the plural "Saves The Date?") are used for wudding niptuals, but in this case I'm employing the tactic for the Purposes of Book Whoring.  See, I wrote a new book, which you can learn more about by clicking the picture of it over there in the right-hand margin, and I will be flogging it in a few places in the coming months.  The plans for these whorings range from half-baked to almost fully-baked, and here are a couple of dates to save so far:

Saturday, April 20th

Something in Washington, DC:

More details to follow when I figure out what's happening.

Saturday, April 27th

Something in Cleveland, Lob help me:

(I can't believe I'm actually going here.)

This is the "crown jewel" of by mini-BRA tour, and in Cleveland I will browbeat the three or four people who bother to come at 1:00pm at the Market Garden Brewery, where Visible Voice Books will have copies of my book for sale.  I will write in those books if you want, or if you don't want me to I won't.  Or, if you don't want a book but you just want to point and laugh at me, that's fine too.  I just want any kind of attention you're willing to give.  Also, as I understand it, the annual "Tweed Ride" rolls out at 3:00pm, so if you're planning on doing that afterwards maybe I'll head over point and laugh at you too before beating a path back to civilization.

Other BRA plans are forming faster than a saddle sore on a Grand Tour rider's scranus (it looks like something will happen on May 18th in Boston, for example), but those are the ones that are the most nailed-downest at this moment.

Moving on, do you love movies about bikes?  Of course you do.  If you like delightfully whimsical Saveses the Dateses then obviously you love bikey movies too.  Here's one that promises to be a grassroots (and by "grassroots" I mean "amateurish") version of "Premium Rush:"



I don't mean to sound naive, but this is going to be a porn, right?

I thought so.

Speaking of amateurs, James Huang, the technical editor of Cyclingnews and BikeRadar, wants amateur bike racers to know how insignificant they are, and to that end he has published this incendiary screed:

The cycling industry is funded by the masses but in terms of innovation and image, it's still largely driven by racing. If you pin on a number each weekend, kudos for helping fuel the sport and maintaining its healthy atmosphere – and if you're doing well, even better. But if those local results are also coming with a Manwich-sized bite of self-entitlement when it comes to endorsement proposals, let me offer a good-intentioned, honest dose of reality: sponsorship is not and has never been about you.

Now, I should stress that I agree with him, in that it is important for amateur bike racers to realize how utterly futile and meaningless their endeavors are, and that if they choose to fritter away their lives by "training" for riding around and around in circles then that's their problem.  In fact, I'd go a step further and say the same thing is true of professional cyclists--and, at my most cynical, I'd say it's actually true of everybody and everything, that sentience is merely an illusion, and that we're all just dust specks blowing aimlessly through an indifferent cosmos.

Nevertheless, I feel it recumbent upon me to defend my Fredly brethren.  Sure, the typical bike racer is a borderline douchebag who, hilariously, considers himself (or herself, but I'm going to stick with the masculine for simplicity's sake) an "athlete," and who thinks other people are actually emotionally invested in his on-the-bike exploits.  (In reality the only people emotionally invested in amateur bike racers are their families, and that investment inevitably proves about as shrewd as an investment in Cannondale stock since he's always too tired from training to return any of their love and affection.)

At the same time, given the way bicycle components are marketed, why is anybody surprised that Fred is braying for sponsorship and discounts? If the industry finds Fred annoying then it should blame only itself.  Take this wheel, The Mavic Ksyrium Whatever Whocares, for example:

Here's Mavic's description:

The most demanding racers need a do it alla Wheel-Tyre System that can : strong, stiff, aerodynamic, comfortable, durable… Ksyrium SLR brings all this characterictics together making it the best Wheel-Tyre System choice for these racers.

Okay, well obviously that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, so naturally Fred relies on a retailer to parse it for him:

We've spent a few seasons training and racing on wheels that ride more like they belong in the stone age than in the peloton. We put the miles in regardless, but have definitely split the difference between enjoying and enduring the ride on them. Mavic has made it easier for you to enjoy the ride and get the results you want on race day with the Ksyrium SLR Clincher Wheelset. These have everything we look for in all-around wheels; responsiveness, light weight, and durable construction. 

So this wheel costs almost $1,800, which today is considered inexpensive.  Your typical Cat 4 probably thinks this is the bare minimum for bike racing, since the retailer would have you believe that not only is this a sensible investment for an everyday wheel, but that a less expensive wheel belongs "in the stone age" and is good for little else than "enduring the ride on them."  This, I should not have to tell you, is batshit crazy, unless the wheelset you're comparing it to is this:

So why is the Mavic Bullshitium (again, a "cheap" wheel by today's standards) wheel so much better than any other wheel that's round and has bearings?  Here's why:

Unlike traditional spokes that flex under greater loads, Tracomp spokes compress to continue supporting the rim, preventing further wheel deflection so you your wheels don't feel noodly on descents and you don't lose power in a spring [sic] finish. 

Wheels so flexy they feel noodly on descents?  What kind of Fredly fear mongering is this?!?  If your wheel was so severely under-tensioned as to feel noodly or to cost you power in a sprint then you wouldn't make it from your front door to the end of the block.  But of course nobody's going to tell Fred that.  None of these manufacturers or retailers or technical editors is going to tell Fred that he can't lose power that he didn't have in the first place.  Instead, they're going to tell him that the bulbous front end of his crabon frame is going to give him the bike handling skills he doesn't possess, and that his wheelset is going to conserve every watt of his nonexistant wattage, and that it will come from the superior bottom bracket interface that creaks like crazy because he doesn't even know how to service it.

Needless to say, all of this puts Fred in a tizzy.  Everyone's treating him like a real athlete and everyone is telling him he needs lots of very expensive stuff to be the very best athlete he can be.  So naturally he does what athletes do and asks for some sponsorship.  After all, this shit is expensive!  And what happens when he asks for that sponsorship?  The very people who are trying to sell him this stuff call him a jerk!  I mean, he is a jerk--a big jerk.  James Huang is absolutely right, Fred is not entitled to shit.  But at the same time it's completely unreasonable to expect Fred, who is by nature the worst kind of shameless gear whore, to somehow also be possessed of the dignity it takes not to be a complete schnorrer.

It's like taunting a thirsty dog with water and then getting mad at him for drinking out of the toilet.

(And if you are inclined to point out that "elite" amateurs or whatever are not Freds, I would strongly disagree with you.  In my road racing worldview, there are Freds and then there are professionals, and even then the only difference between the Freds and the pros is that the pros are Fred-for-pay.)

Sure, it's no way to treat a customer, but it's still better than actually making them bend over:

I went into my local store to return my Astro pants and Invert crops, both purchased this month. I was asked to BEND OVER in order to determine sheerness. The sales associate then perused my butt in the dim lighting of the change room and deemed them "not sheer". I felt degraded that this is how the recall is being handled. I called the GEC to confirm this is their protocol, and they verified that yes, the "educators" will verify sheerness by asking the customer to bend over.

Though I'm pretty sure Fred would be willing to do it.

Send This Email Without A Subject? [OK] [Cancel]

(Bike fittings make Fred feel special, as forwarded by a reader.)

Firstly, it looks like I'm finally coming to Cleveland on Saturday, April 27th, so if you're in Cleveland and you want to tell me off then pencil it in your calendar and I'll furnish you with additional details soon.

Cleveland.

Secondly, you can never have too many bikes.  Sure, you might not need another one, but every so often an opportunity arises that's simply too good to pass up.  That's why I'm snatching up this beauty:

I learned about this masterpiece from Stevil Kinevil of All Hail The Black Market, and it proves the adage that the best paint jobs are the ones that make it look like someone's having sex with your bicycle:

Why would anybody want one of those Dario Pegoretti tie-dye hippie burnout paint jobs when you could have someone going to town on your rear suspension instead?

(Yawn.)

By the way, in case you were wondering, the seller confirms that's actually a woman on there:

Interesting older Carbon Y frame with quite the custom paint job on it. With love and understanding, I am sure this bike can go again. It is a large, 19 from center to top. I checked the carbon and found no cracks in the frame. Their is a small hole drilled next to the head tube as seen in picture as well as a large chip by the blues brothers looking dudes. Yes it is a woman painted on there. The bike also comes with manitou axel fork that the stanchions have some oxidation on them. Has LX front and rear derailluers, wheels are decent with ritchey zero hubs, cane creek headset, 9spd cassette, mismatched brakes as well as 1 grip shifter and 1 deore rapid fire shifter, dia compe brake levers and system 2 bar and stem. I probably have a few smalls I can throw in as well with the bike. I am hoping for the money I am asking, someone will want to bring her back and let her feel the road and trails again.

 Please ask questions and thanks for looking.

Shipping is 55.00 and local pick-up is never a problem.

Though it would be pretty amusing if "she" had a "surprise" waiting for you on the drive side.

(Surprise!)

Evidently it happens enough that the seller felt compelled to mention it.

Speaking of surprises, it probably won't surprise you at all to learn that in New York City it's perfectly fine to drive on the sidewalk and kill people:

In the span of four weeks, five motorists collided with pedestrians on the sidewalks of New York City, killing three and severely injuring two others. But as we've seen time and again, the drivers responsible face no serious consequences for their actions. “I hope this is an eye-opener and we have some change, because it's really, truly heartbreaking,” the daughter of 90-year-old Mansoor Day tells the Post. Day—co-founder of one of New York’s first abortion clinics—is still in extremely critical condition after SUV driver Richard Mouss crashed into him on the sidewalk outside Sak's Fifth Avenue in February.

Rest assured that you don't even have to have an excuse to do it, but if you feel compelled to offer one anyway then "I spilled some milk" has been proven effective:

The horrifying crash in Long Island City that left one teen dead and sent four other pedestrians to the hospital yesterday morning was caused by spilled milk, according to one police source, who also tells WPIX 11 that the driver, Mohamad Keita, was speeding in excess of 35 mph. The unidentified driver of the dark red Dodge Caravan lost control of the vehicle shortly after 10:30 a.m. and drove up onto the sidewalk near LaGuardia Community College in Long Island City, Queens. The police source says the driver is attributing the wreck to spilled milk, and a witness says he immediately got out and started apologizing.

Just make sure you have insurance, or else you might get in big trouble.

Just kidding!

No, it's totally fine, you'll only get a summons:

Despite a police source's assessment that the driver was speeding, Keita does not currently face any criminal charges, merely a summons for driving without insurance. 

Yes, here in New York City there's no use crying over spilt milk--or over the carnage you left in your wake after you spilled it.  That's why I prefer the more cartoonish violence you'll find in cities like Seattle, as forwarded by another reader:

As the messenger was standing on the sidewalk, a woman—who the messenger described as “pregnant”—climbed out of the passenger side of the car and started yelling at him.

The woman then reached into her bra, pulled out a stun gun and chased after the messenger, striking him twice in the face.

The male driver also got out of the car, pulled out his own stun gun and swung it at the victim.

Assailants wielding electroshock weaponry is just one of the many reasons you should opt for a bicycle made from a non-conducting material like bamboo:

Another reason is apparently that it's laterally stiff, vertically compliant, and panda-satiating in every direction:

"When I first made a bamboo bike and tested it, I rode it and after one or two hundred meters I was like, 'Where's all the vibration gone?'  And that's the feeling when you're riding a bamboo bike.  The vibrations just disappear."

I'd like to know what kind of bicycles these people were riding that vibrated so much.  Maybe I have an armadillo for a scranus, but I've never experienced this punishing vibration people talk about (at least not on a bicycle)--except when I was much younger and much Fredlier and stupidly tried inflating my tires to 145psi because someone at the bike shop told me I could do that and that it would make me faster.  (Hanging around in bike shops is a dangerous source of misinformation, and it's also the reason people go around saying that long stems produce a "goofy tiller effect.")

Then of course there's the whole "sustainable" thing:

Iron Bamboo has recorded over three feet of growth in a single day, and it only requires water, sunlight, and soil to grow. It’s a grass that naturally grows back after being harvested.  It prevents soil erosion, does not contribute to soil depletion like many other crops, and is one of the most efficient means of sequestering carbon dioxide known to man.

We use aluminum because it is the easiest metal to recycle and is strong, stiff, and light.

Okay, I'm looking at the bike, and it's made from all the same crap every other bike is made from, except it also has a few pieces of bamboo gratuitously wedged in there for some reason.  How is this bike more sustainable?  This is like putting a bamboo muffler on your car and saying it's suddenly a "sustainable automobile."  And if aluminum is strong, stiff, light, and easy to recycle, why not just make the whole frame out of it?

Wow, a bicycle frame made entirely out of aluminum.  It would probably be light, durable, and relatively inexpensive.  Imagine that.

Maybe someone will try it one day.

This Just In: Riding A Bike Makes You Special!

(Seen here by Klaus.)

So what heroic exploits did you undertake on your bicycle this weekend?  Did you sit on the saddle?  Did you pedal the bicycle?  Did you make the bicycle move forward?  Did you do all of this alongside other people wearing similar clothing and riding similar bicycles, or did you do it all by yourself?

More importantly, how did you share your ride afterwards with the rest of the world?  After all, that's the whole point of riding a bike.  Whether you ride alone or with others, it's crucial that everyone have access to details about your  inspirational life-changing recreational pursuits, because of course while plenty of people have bicycles, nobody rides them as interestingly as you do.

It's like singing "The Wheels On The Bus," only for grown-ups.

One good way to share your ride and have a great big sing-along is by using social Fredworking sites like Strava.  Another way is to get sponsorship from some energy drink (or "douche juice") company and make a video of yourself using the wrong bike for something, like the rider known as Seabiscuit, as forwarded to me by a reader:

We've seen Seabiscuit's work before, and this time he's going over the Galibier or the Telegraphe or both of them or neither or who fucking cares on his track bike with the following ratio of who cares x who cares:

I'm sure someone out there who badly needs to get a life can tell you exactly how many skid patches that yields without even consulting their iPhone.

Anyway, thusly decked out in his charity ride chic outfit and astride his Nü-Fred fixie mountain meh-chine, he narrates the ride for us:

"I'll go through hell, I'll crawl through several layers of hell," he explains.

Oh, save it.  You're not going on a tour of duty in Afghanistan, you're going for a bike ride.  You won't crawl through any layers of hell.  You'll go through a recreational bike ride, and you'll crawl through several layers of recreation--slowly, because you picked the wrong bike.

"The point is to achieve something by my very own means, and against myself," he continues.  "Just by the power of will and physical strength.  That's my nature."

Right, just himself.  And his sponsor.  And his support vehicle.  And his film crew.  And his Garmin:

If you need to tap into your "will and physical strength" in order to engage in your hobby, you should either find a new hobby, or else you should recalibrate your sense of "will and physical strength."  If going for a bike ride draws from his reserves of "will and physical strength" then having a bowel movement must be off the charts.  (I can't wait for that video.)  And smile once in awhile, for chrissakes:

You're riding a freaking bike, not brokering a cease fire between warring countries--though you'd never know that by listening to him.  Consider this rhetorical question, for example:

"This mountain.  Is it my friend or is it my enemy?"

Maybe the mountain is neither.  Maybe it's your "frenemy."  Or, even more likely, maybe it's a millenia-old geological formation that doesn't give a flying fuck about you or your gear ratio.

Of course, it's perfectly normal to engage in some self-indulgent introspection while you're riding, though you should be worried if you start asking yourself dumb questions like this:

"Why is this road here?  What is it doing here?"

The combination of thin mountain air and a thick-headed rider is a dangerous one indeed--though it makes me even more excited for that epic bowel movement video:

("Why is this toilet here?  What is it doing here?")

Eventually, he grinds his way to the top of the mountain, at which point he commences with the descent and the idiotic skidding:

By the way, if you look closely you can see there are some skidmarks already on the road, which leads me to wonder just how staged this video actually is. Here's another shot in which you can also see earlier skidmarks immediately to his left:

I hear the skidmarks in the bowel movement "edit" are going to be sick.

Most amazingly, we're well into 2013 now, yet people are still attempting to impart spiritual significance to fixed-gear cycling:

"Cycling on a track bike certainly has deep spiritual aspects.  It's repetitive to an extend that I achieve a trance-like state of mind."

That's actually called "boredom," and he's managed to convey the sensation very convincingly in the film.

And this is called "déjà vu:"

Yes, no fixie downhilling video would be complete without the obligatory ruined rear tire shot.  Could Red Bull buy this guy a road bike already?  I wonder if the bowel movement video will feature close-ups of blown-out toilet paper squares.  

In any case, with this landmark video, Seabuscuit has cemented his reputation as the David Blaine of fixies, in that he is a shadowy, wispily-mustached figure who resurfaces periodically to perform some outsized stunt nobody really cares about anyway.

Speaking of stunts nobody cares about, absolutely nobody cares about amateur bike racers, though that's not stopping the Wall Street Journal from blowing the helment off of Fred doping:

In my years of racing in New York City I've seen numerous doping scandals, but the most amusing was the Case of the Gran Fondo Doping Fred, who is quoted in the article:

After his positive test last year, Anthony offered some insight into the amateur's motivation to cheat, saying his obsession with winning drove him to use banned drugs. In a recent email, he said he supports all antidoping efforts, but wonders whether amateurs will simply learn to game the system, as many pros have done, particularly by easing off performance-enhancing drugs ahead of competition.

"Surprise out-of-competition tests seem more effective as a deterrent," Anthony said. "That would have likely made me think twice."

Well said.  Yes, it's everybody else's job to save you from being a complete douchebag and cheating at your pathetic hobby.  

The article also makes a good point, which is that amateur cyclists want to be tested so they can be just like the pros:

That cyclists are leading the push to test amateurs is likely no coincidence, considering the large number of pros in that sport who have cheated, most notably Lance Armstrong, who late last year was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles and who has since acknowledged doping during his cycling career.

Once you've paid for the crabon bike and the crabon wheels and custom team kits and the power meter and the coach, what's left but to pay for someone else to take your pee in a cup after a race?  Of course, at the same time, amateur bike racers are always looking for a discount, which is why they've only managed to raise a paltry $5,000:  

Following suit, the New York bicycle association has raised $5,000 for testing, the same amount raised so far by the Bicycle Racing Association of Colorado. By all accounts, that is far from enough to adequately police amateur riders.

Indeed, $5,000 is not going to pay for an anti-doping program.  In fact, $5,000 is the retail price of a typical New York City Cat 4 racer's wheelset.  What they really should do is work with the manufacturers to introduce a surcharge on all this stupid equipment.  This surcharge would then be used to fund drug tests on the purchaser.  In fact, I think there should be mandatory drug testing on all purchasers of ridiculous crabon equipment.  Here's how it would work:

1) Fred presents his USA Cycling license when he buys a Zippp Spud Wankery Firecrap Crabon wheelset with drug testing surcharge built into the already ridiculous price:

2) This surcharge is applied directly towards testing Fred's pee-pee throughout the season:

3) Fred's weenie-ism is thus completely self-sustaining and self-regulating, and anybody who doesn't want to pay for the stupid wheels or the stupid testing can just buy reasonable and durable equipment that they use year after year.  (And as a bonus, the Freds who suddenly and inexplicably "downgrade" will be easily identified as dopers.)

Meanwhile, drug testing is poised to be the new must-have accessory for Freds, and the real winner in all of this is Usada, who get paid to do the tests--even on ballroom dancers:

Since cycling is an Olympic sport, Usada has the power to test at all sanctioned races, even amateur events. But Travis Tygart, chief executive of Usada, said elite events have traditionally taken priority. Tygart said amateur track and field competitions, archery events and even the Pikes Peak marathon have paid to have Usada testers on race day.

"We've even done ballroom dancing," Tygart said. "Athletes are stepping up and saying even if we're weekend warriors, we don't' want to be cheated."

Sure, cyclists may be bad, but there's no athlete more crooked than a dance floor Fred:

(Fred.  Get it?  Of course you do.)

Lastly, even though some people apparently find it flirtatious, there are few things more irritating then strangers chiding you for not wearing a helment:

Bike Safety - m4w - 27 (Bed Stuy)

Tompkins at Myrtle

You said, "Nice helmet." I made up some excuse about not wearing one...but maybe I should have ridden with you to safety instead of pedaling off. Thanks for looking out for me regardless.

"Nice tits" is generally the appropriate response in cases like these.