This Just In: It's a Three-Day Weekend! (For Me!)

Hey Dudes!

Remember this song, dudes?  If so you're both aging and a dork.

I owned the whole album, on cassette for added coolness.

Anyway dudes, first I want to let you know that I won't be posting stuff on this blog tomorrow (Friday).

Because I'm heading down to Washington, DC:

To say a few words and sign copies of my new book, "Bike Snob Abeard:"

So, if you're in DC or you plan to be there this weekend, please come to BicycleSPACE on Saturday, April 20th, at 6:00pm:

There will be:

--Foppish finery from Brooks!
--Blather from me!
--Gin, which will exude from your pores the following morning!
--Music from Sligo Creek Stompers, pioneers of a new musical genre called "Straight-Edge Death Klezmer!"

I hope to see you there, and if not I'll see you back here on this blog on Monday, April 22nd, still reeking of gin.

Speaking of Brooks, you may notice they have an ad over there in the right-hand margin, and you may also notice from that ad that they're inviting 100 riders to test their new "Cambium" saddle, which is 100% cow-free:

(Listen closely and you'll hear bovine sighs of relief.)

Here's more information in case you're too lazy or ornery to click on the ad:


The Cambium is made from a uniquely flexible natural rubber and organic cotton top, enhanced by a thin layer of structural textile for added resilience. This waterproof top, which follows the rider’s movements, is immediately comfortable, maintenance-free, and highly abrasion-resistant to offer the longevity for which Brooks is legendary.

Working up to the 17th June release, Brooks is selecting a diverse group of 100 individuals worldwide to be the first to try this revolutionary new saddle. Those selected are invited to try the saddle for a few months and share their feedback, which will be published on the Cambium website.
The individuals selected will include men and women of differing body type and age, using a variety of bicycles, and importantly:

-33 will be long-time users of Brooks Leather Saddles.
-33 will be cyclists who have used both Brooks Leather Saddles and other saddles.
-34 will be cyclists who have never used a Brooks Leather Saddle.

Individuals who wish to register for consideration to be the first to try the Cambium may do so before 17th May at www.brooksengland.com/cambium.

All registrants will receive a 10% discount to the Brooks online shop.

Just be sure to also submit a plaster cast of your scranus so Brooks can make sure they have all those differing body types covered.

As a Brooks convert I'm genuinely intrigued by this saddle, though I do have two (2) reservations, those being:

1) How do I know that the cow who was spared will use his reprieve responsibly and become a useful member of society?  What if he just stands around scarfing hay, chewing his cud, and releasing more methane into the atmosphere for the rest of his life?

2) There had better be something to chamfer on this thing, or else Eric "The Chamferer" Murray is not going to be happy and someone's gonna get cut.

(He will cut you.)

By the way, I am astride Eric's handiwork today, and my scranus is singing songs of praise:

Just lock it to the frame, bag it, and hope for the best:

I really hope it's still there when I return.

In other news of bicycle componentry, a reader informs me that Porsche (or "Porch," or "Porche," as it is variously spelled in the announcement) is recalling its $11,250 hybrid:

Here's the problem:

According to Porche the brakes may malfunction at reduced temperatures, specifically at -10 °C (14 °F) and below.

Which isn't really a problem at all when you consider that there's effectively zero chance of anyone who owns a Porsche hybrid actually riding it in temperatures lower than 65 degrees Fahrenheit.

In fact, I'd be amazed to learn of anyone actually riding a Porsche hybrid in any weather, and if it were to happen I imagine hell would freeze over along with the brakes.

Speaking of hydrolic breaks, yesterday I mentioned that they can help you attain Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed, and I thought about this yesterday when I was out for a lunchtime bicycle cycling bicycle ride.  Here's my bicycle cycling bike atop the area climb that has been thoroughly defiled by the New York City-area Freds who ascend it day in and day out, often multiple times:

Say what you will about stem length, but I really need to admit to myself that I need a compact crank already.

Anyway, as I turned to go back down and stuffed copies of "Hustler" down my jersey to block the wind, I noticed an SUV full of doofuses in knee pads and full-face helments preparing to descend the hill on longboards:

This raised a number of questions for me, such as:

--Will they attain Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed despite the lack of hydrolic breaks or indeed any brakes at all?

--Is Roller-Doofus "Woo-hoo-hoo!" speed different from Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo!" speed?

--With all that Fred traffic on the hill, some of whom zig-zag in a state of anaerobic delirium as they approach the top, how long before one of these Roller-doofuses collides head-on with one of the Freds and they all go flying into the Hudson?

I don't know the answer to any of these, but despite my lack of hydrolic breaks I descended very quickly, mostly because I was afraid of getting hit by a longboarder.

With that I shall bid you a-doo.  Hopefully I will see some of you in our notion's capitol this weekend, but in any event I look forward to returning on Monday the 22nd with regular updates.

XOXO,


--Wildcat Rock Machine

Smells Like Wednesday!

First of all, I should let you know that yesterday, around 2:30-ish, I found Jesus Christ.

Secondly, this, as forwarded by many readers:

As my lord and saviour Jesus Christ famously said, "My heart bleeds for them when I hear someone walked face first into a camera, but it’s their own fault at the end of the day."

So far I've watched this video roughly two thousand times, and my favorite thing about it is that Canadians still have adorably lilting accents, even when they're evil incarnate and they're in tremendous pain.

Anyway, you may be wondering how and where I found Jesus Christ.  Was he in one of his usual hiding places?  The broom closet?  My other pants?  In the study, with the rope, snogging with Colonel Mustard?

Nope.  Jesus was in my Surly Big Dummy, along with pretty much everything else in the known universe.

See, springtime is child-portaging time.  You know the drill: picnics, waterside bike rides, gruelling survivalist outings in preparation for the coming Apocalypse.  (Nothing brings a family together like painting yourselves in camouflage, spending three days in a state park, and shooting at pictures of President Obama.)  Therefore, I was giving the Big Dummy a little going-over, which of course involves throwing away the gazillions of pounds of crap that accumulate in the luggage area.  And not only did I find Jesus Christ, but I also found this:

The Clif Bar on the right is obviously, well, a Clif Bar, and the black desiccated thing on the left is apparently what a banana becomes after a period of extreme neglect.  I have no idea how long it was in there since it was in a plastic bag, and I had just assumed the plastic bag was empty.  Finally though, I went to throw the plastic bag away and to my surprise there was a prehistoric banana in it.  There was also a neat little hole in the bag, suggesting that perhaps a rodent of some kind was nibbling on it back in an age when it contained more nutrients.

Needless to say, I ate both the Clif Bar and the banana, after which I blacked out.  When I awoke, Jesus Christ was standing over me, both resplendent and "commando" in his gleaming white Robes of Justice.

Challah Lawyer, Ah, Meh.

Moving on, yesterday I mentioned the Sram Red blahbidyblah groupeaux with hydraulic rim brakes, which prompted a reader to leave the following comment:


Anonymous said...

I don't know what idiocy prompted me to click on the SRAM yadda yadda groupset link, but then I saw that they're offering hydraulic rim brakes.

Let me take a moment to repeat that: hydraulic rim brakes.

wwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!?

APRIL 16, 2013 AT 4:44 PM


Why?  Silly Fred!  Didn't you read the article?

It’s when the road starts to fall, and the speed starts to rise that the HRR (Hydraulic Road Rim) really starts to impress. With the lightest of touches, a single finger is more than enough to scrub masses of speed. As our confidence grew we found ourselves leaving it later and later to slow our velocity on entry to a corner and make significant improvements in overall speed. For example, the previous day's ride on mechanical brakes gave a max speed on the same descent of 42.8mph. On the hydraulic set-up we clocked 47.8mph.

Yeah, that's right.  With Sram hydraulic rim brakes, you can finally attain Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed:

By the way, I'm sure the fact that they were able to descend faster on the second day had absolutely nothing to do with their now being more familiar with the descent.  I'm sure it was all because brake fluid rather than a cable was causing an otherwise identical brake pad to make contact an otherwise identical rim.

I don't doubt that the hydraulic brakes do feel nice and all, but I'll stick with my current descending performance enhancing technique, which is harnessing the awesome power of gravity by applying additional mass to my midsection via regular consumption of alcoholic beverages.

(As Jesus always says, nothing gets you down hills faster than being fat and drunk.)

But you know what stops me in my tracks faster than any hydrolic break ever could?  An email subject line like this:

Cycling Kickstarter Needs Support!

What?  Your Kickstarter project needs help, you say?!?  What do you need?  I'll do anything!  Shall I give you a blank check? Bood, do you need blood?  Really, I don't even need to know what the project actually is, so sure am I that it will be revolutionary--though in this case I eventually clicked through and learned it's for something called "BarBumps."  BarBumps may sound like something Lindsay Lohan does on a night out, but it's actually just tumors you put under your bartape.  You can put them here:

Or here:

Or here:

(Looks like she did too many BarBumps.)

Or you get the idea.

Anyway, it's certainly not a bad idea, but for this he wants $32,000?

I'm not giving that kind of scratch to someone who wraps his handlebars from the top down:


I did just have a million dollar idea though, which is that SRAM should buy this concept and modify it so that the BarBumps could also contain the brake fluid.  That way their new hydraulic levers wouldn't have to be all coneheaded.

You're welcome.

By the way, remember these?

Yeah, neither does anybody else.

In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be riding my new fixie, as forwarded by various readers:

Look for me in Central Park doing Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed times two.

Freds: Salacious and Outrageous

As a fatuous blogger, it is my job to seek out inane news stories, and inasmuch as this blog is sort of a feed zone of stupidity in the "epic" ride that is your day I must not waver from this purpose, even in the wake of a tragedy.  In other words, given what happened in Boston yesterday, I'm sure we could all use a little cheering up.  Fortunately, when it comes to inanity, you can always count on two groups of people: cyclists and Australians.  Indeed, as I've learned from a reader, it would appear that some people in Brisbane (Brisbanians?  Brisbanites?  Brisboners?) are being tormented by Freds who talk loudly about lovemaking:

FOUL-mouthed cyclists bragging about their bedroom exploits have sparked so many complaints from fed-up residents a councillor wants "keep quiet" signs erected along a popular cycling route.

Heh, heh.  The councillor said "erected."  Who's the potty mouth now?

Anyway, here's what's happening:

The noise begins as early as 5.30am - most of it shouted warnings to other cyclists such as "pothole" and "corner".

But some residents say sexually explicit banter is common.

"There are issues about people's work, their personal lives or who they're dating," Cr Johnston said.

First of all, if you want them to be quiet, fix the fucking potholes.  Problem solved.  Sure, there are some Freds who could find an obstacle to call out in any setting short of a perfect vacuum ("Sub-atomic particle!," shouts Hypersensitive-To-Obstacles Fred), but fixing the holes would certainly help.

Secondly, in fairness to the cyclists, it's very likely that what these laypeople are mistaking for "sexually explicit banter" is actually just innocent bike dork patter.  Consider the following wheelbuilding anecdote:

"I lubed every hole and then turned the nipples gently one at a time, bringing everything up to tension and plucking as I went.  I could feel it getting tighter and tighter, but I must have used too much lube and turned the nipples too hard, because suddenly I was sitting there with a big wet taco in my lap."

"Yeah, that's happened to me too.  Sometimes you have to go easy on the rim."

It's easy to see how a non-cyclist might interpret that the wrong way--especially if the conversation then turned to clitless pedals and dick brakes and large-diameter spindles going into beefy bottom bracket shells.

And this isn't the only way the Freds are terrorizing residents.  They're also offensive for the simple fact that they have bicycles under them instead of being inside of cars:

He also saw them running red lights and riding three abreast.

"You can't get past them, so I've got to find new ways to get home," he said.

Wait a minute, I'm confused.  If the cyclists are running red lights then how are they holding you up?  They keep going, you stop.  If anything, they'd cause much greater delay by stopping for the lights, because then you have to wait for 10 or 15 Freds to click back into their pedals, and there's always at least one or two who can't get back in, or who forgot to downshift, and before you know it the light's red again.  Really, it's better for everybody if they don't stop in the first place.  And what's the big deal with them riding three abreast anyway?  Three side-by-side Freds--even ample ones--are still narrower than a single car.  Someone should tell this person that if he's looking for a new way to get home, he should try riding a bicycle.

Then the whole rant just degenerates into a bunch of indecipherable Australianese:

"There's no doubt there are some great big boofhead blokes in some of these groups so we want other riders to say 'hey, pull your head in mate'."

Erected?  Abreast?  Boofhead blokes pulling their heads in?  All of these complaints seem way more lurid than whatever it is these Freds are talking about--especially when you consider how few Freds are actually having regular sex in the first place.

Meanwhile, in the world of professional cycling, something about BCR-Pizza Hut-Powerade and doping:

This story made me sick to my stomach--not because of the doping, which they all do, but because it mentions Pizza Hut and Powerade in the same sentence.

Now that's some disgusting.

Of course, no news titillates Freds more than the release of a new road bike group, or "groupo," or "gruppo," or whatever they're called, which is why the new SRAM Red blabityblah, complete with hydraulic braking (or "hydrolic breaking" in Internet Forum-ese) is going to give them all a raging "group-on:"

I just feel bad for those Brisbanians when the Freds start rolling through and talking about how that big bulbous knob feels in their hands:

Fred #1: "So why is it so big?"

Fred #2: "It's filled with fluid."

Fred #1: "How does it feel?"

Fred #2: "Surprisingly comfortable, though it is easier to get my hand around it without gloves."

Clearly they're going to have to erect a lot of signs.

In other tech news, VeloNews's Lennard Zinn continues to field frantic questions from neurotic Freds (yes, I realize when you mention "Freds" that the neuroses are implied, but I get paid by the word):

Dear Lennard,
I’m a lawyer and I don’t file my lawyer tabs. Not because of liability concerns, though. The reason is the crash I witnessed during a Roubaix-style road bike race when the rider three bikes ahead of me heard a clanking noise and upon lifting up his front wheel to check it, pulled the wheel right out of the fork, which yes, had its lawyer tabs filed. He no longer has any of his original front teeth.
—Tre

Dear Tre,
Youch! I have seen people with loose skewers lift their front end after stopping, only to have their wheel fall out. One of them turned quite pale, having just completed the descent into Silverton, Colorado in the Iron Horse Bicycle Classic with his wheel loose enough to fall out.

To lift up on the front end while moving when you hear a suspicious rattle is an ill-advised strategy, whether it is due to a loose skewer or something else. It’s a good idea always to stop and then check it out.
―Lennard


In other words, there are people out there who actually hear that their front wheel is loose, think to themselves, "Something is wrong with the front end of my bicycle," and then do exactly the thing that causes a wheel to come out of a fork.  That's like seeing a sign that says "Thin ice" and saying to yourself, "Huh, I better jump on it and see."  Fortunately, there's a good litmus test to determine whether or not you can safely file off your "lawyer lips," and here it is:

Have you ever eaten food without checking the expiration date and gotten sick afterwards?

If you answered "yes," then don't file off your lawyer lips!

I also enjoyed this question:


Removing paint from a carbon frame
Dear Lennard,
I am considering purchasing a carbon frame on sale with a hideous paint scheme. Is there a safe way to remove the paint and either leave it as bare carbon or re-shoot to spec? And if left as bare carbon, is that a good or bad thing? I want to avoid a spray over as not to add more weight, whatever that may be.
—Paul

Wow.  Paul is clearly the exactly the sort of person who should not be filing off his lawyer lips.


Moving on to cultural news, a Tweeterer informs me that retail douchefest The Brooklyn Flea is coming to Philadelphia:

If you’ve spent any time in New York City in recent years, you should know that the five-year-old Brooklyn Flea is one of the coolest places you can possibly find yourself on a Saturday. Everyone from Martha Stewart and Neil Patrick Harris to Usher and Anne Hathaway have shopped at “The Flea,” deemed “one of the great urban experiences in New York” by the New York Times, and its food vendors have become so in demand that they’ve spawned a separate food market, the wildly popular Smorgasburg. Mario Batali is a huge fan.

That was the most powerfully dissuasive and stomach-turning paragraph I've read in a long time.  It actually makes Pizza Hut and Powerade seem appetizing in comparison--just like the crowd at the Brooklyn Flea makes Portland look diverse:

("I Can't Believe It's Not Portland!")

Lastly, judging from the comments on Streetsblog, the new smugness metric in New York is how low your Citibike member ID number is:

Solid starting position.  I'm totally going to get the holeshot.

Spring: The Prelude to Despair

Firstly, this coming Saturday, April 20th, I'll be at BicycleSPACE in Washington, DC:

The reason for my visit is NOT to march on Washington as part of some hippy-dippy 4/20 "Wednesday weed" legalization effort.  Rather, it's to promote my new book, which please buy it:

If you don't you're a freeloading cheapskate.

Secondly, have you ever had one of those mornings where you wake up and you're like, "I'm done being stressed out and pissed off.  I'm going to enjoy life.  I'm going to take things as they come and savor my good fortune.  I'm going to do what I want, how I want, and I'm just going to let life flow through me like the ocean through a whale's baleen, sifting out and sustaining myself on the positive vibes"?

Well, I had one of those mornings, but it only took about 45 minutes before I forgot about that and reverted to my usual state of rancor--and it had nothing to do with tax day, because I made $68.9 million last year, most of it safely parked offshore, so like whatever.  No, it's just because the world is full of people like this guy:

You may recall him as the potential mayoral candidate who said this before getting in trouble for posting pictures of his erection on Twitter:

When I become mayor, you know what I’m going to spend my first year doing? I’m going to have a bunch of ribbon-cuttings tearing out your fucking bike lanes.

Well now he's saying this:

He says the city should offer tax breaks to employers that encourage their workers to commute by bicycle.

Wait, so your boss is going to encourage you to ride your bike to work, but your mayor is going to tear out your bike lanes?

What an asshole.

I'm sure now he'll claim he was originally misquoted.  "I didn't say I was going to tear out the fucking bike lanes, I said I was going to whip out my fucking ween and post it on Twitter.  If nothing else, I'm a man of my word."

Anyway, that's how it works: I wake up feeling happy, and three-quarters of an hour later I'm sitting on the toilet, reading the paper, and wishing something really painful happens to some politician's balls.

Speaking of riding to work, the Citi Bike bike sharing system of bikes is imminent, and you can now sign up to be a founding member--which I'm pleased to report I just did:

It's $95 for an annual membership, which is less than a typical pair of Fred tires that will be trashed before you even make it to the George Washington Bridge, so if you don't sign up you're a freeloading cheapskate.  Plus you get some bonuses:


The first 5,000 Citi Bike Founding Members will receive:

A special Founding Member key.
Access to a special "members only" preview period for the system.
A 24-hour pass to share with a friend.
Discounts on stylish helmets redeemable at your local bike shop.
Invitations to Citi Bike Street Skills classes -- brief, informal, indoor presentations in Manhattan and Brooklyn that cover important street riding info, including concrete examples of city cycling scenarios and how best to handle them.
$10 off on registration for Transportation Alternatives' NYC Century Bike Tour in September.
$10 off on registration for two great regional rides from Bike New York Discover Hudson Valley and the Twin Lights Ride.
A VIP pass to Transportation Alternatives' Bike Home from Work Party in May.

The first 500 Citi Bike Founding members will receive all of the above plus:

An invitation to the Citi Bike "Ride In" — the inaugural ride to bring bikes to Citi Bike stations throughout Manhattan and Brooklyn.

The first 150 Citi Bike Founding members will receive all of the above plus:

A special Founding Members t-shirt.


You'll also get this talking NYPD action figure:

Press his scranus and he says, "No criminality suspected."

Meanwhile, here in New York the new fixie is not the road bike, or the touring bike, or the cyclocross bike, or the mountain bike, or the fat bike.  No, as we began to see back in 2008, the new fixie is indeed the café racer motorcycle:

While there remain redoubts of Harley-loving, Hells Angels-affiliated bikers in the city, the latest crop of shops cater to young riders with hipster tastes for vintage Japanese and retro European models. The bikes and their parts are affordable, abundant and easily available on Craigslist. That makes it simpler for do-it-yourself mechanics to turn them into café racers—the drop-handlebar style of 1960s Britain that is in vogue—while they hang out at gear shops and community garages that cater to their trendier tastes and styles.


"Café racer is synonymous with hipster," said Dan Rose, a partner at Dutch company Rev'it, which sells functional, fashionable clothing at Union Garage, a gear store that opened in fall 2012.


I really hope the bubble bursts soon and all of these people flee Brooklyn because I don't think I can stomach the inevitable next step, which will naturally be the hipster car culture.  There's already plenty of evidence of it in the gentriverse, and it's only a matter of time before the streets are teeming with vintage Broncos and the gas fight scene from "Zoolander" becomes a reality.  Sure, an optimist might think that they'll at least be more considerate towards cyclists since they cut their teeth riding fixies, but if anything that's the reason why they'll probably be the worst motorists New York City has ever seen.

Lastly, here's a little story about child-portaging:

The father was pedaling with careful determination, while his daughter, using his back as a desk, was writing in her notebook with admirable concentration — obviously putting the finishing touches on her homework.

You got the feeling her last-minute scribble had been performed in transit before. I hope the assignment was not for penmanship.

I'm not sure why this would result in worse penmanship than all the other places kids do their homework, like in the back seat of an SUV or on the crowded subway with someone's ass in their face, but I suppose it's not nearly as puzzling as that rear-facing child seat.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Well, it's been a week of good news for New York City cyclists, assuming your definition of "good" is gazillions of bike dorks descending upon the city in numbers large enough to block out the Sun.

Firstly, the Five Boro Bike Tour (otherwise known as the "35,000 Half-Shorts of the Apocalypse") has managed to dodge that $1 million NYPD shakedown:

The decision by Justice Margaret A. Chan had been largely expected after hearings on Wednesday in which she appeared unconvinced by the city’s arguments for classifying the annual event, known as the Five Boro Bike Tour, as a noncharitable athletic parade. That determination, she wrote, “is unreasonable and cannot be confirmed.”

Yeah, right.  "Athletic" my scranus.  It probably took Justice Chan five minutes on Flickr to reach that decision:

Of course, if you have a more competitive bent but you're still a raging dork who prefers to ride with thousands of others, you'll probably opt for the Campagnolo Gran Fondo New York, for which I just received the route announcement:


This is indeed probably the most heavily-trafficked Fred corridor in the world, so with 6,000 riders out on the course it won't be any different from any other Sunday in May--except that there will be drug testing.

But perhaps the most exciting news is that the first bike share stations have been popping up like smugness mushrooms in the gentrification strongholds of Brooklyn:

Remember: studies have shown that 78% of bike share bikes have traces of semen on the saddle, so be sure to always use a decorative hygienic seat cover:

I'll be selling these at the bike share stations at $25 a pop.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll be right, and if you're wrong you'll see the definition of speed.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and give me $25 for a shower cap or you'll die of an infectious disease.


--Wildcat Rock Machine

(NYPD confiscates bicycles as they pose a potential bomb threat.)

1) The NYPD describes its treatment of cyclists as:

--"More than fair"
--"Tough love"
--"Indifferent"
--"Tough shit"

(You could probably fit a pretty big bomb in there.)

2) If a tractor-trailer is abandoned in Brooklyn, who moves it?

--The Parks Department
--The Department of Transportation
--The Department of Homeland Security
--Nobody

3) A New York City Councilman is proposing a ban on clipless pedals, arguing that they discourage cyclists from stopping at red lights.

--True
--False

4) Fill in the blank:

Mount Carmel Vice-Mayor William Blakely drove at 90mph with his ________ hanging out the window.

--Arm
--Head
--Tongue
--Genitals

(They're racing these?  Seriously?)

5) There is an ElliptiGO World Championships.

--True
--False

6) Toronto Mayors Robs Fords will try to kill a Toronto bike rack with:

--Kindness
--Bullets
--Showers
--Cheetos

7) What is this?

--A big guacamole bowl
--A "Dutchtub"
--A giant helment
--The bottom half of a "Velopig"

***Special "I Can't Believe It's Not Portlandia"-Themed Bonus Video***

Tough Love: Share the Bikes, Take the Blame

This morning I checked my email and found one with the following subject:

70's NY Dump Porn

This could have meant any number of things, and all of them were awesome, so I grabbed my virtual letter opener and read the email immediately.  What it contained was a link to pictures of pollution from the 1970s, including images of the Jamaica Bay area, which is where I lived when I was a little girl.  Some might look at the photos in this collection and think, "Wow, New York was a real shithole back then." Others might think, "Boy, we've come a long way."  As for me, my only reaction was, "Where the fuck was that ice cream truck?"

I would have been all over that thing.

Now, I should point out that I'm not trying to give you the impression I had some kind of hardscrabble upbringing.  No, as you might have guessed I was relatively sheltered.  We lived in a nice neighborhood, in a comfortable house with a panoramic view of the landfill across the bay.  I had an Atari and a bike with sweet mags.  It's just that there was a lot of trash around.  If you didn't want a car anymore you just left it on the beach, but the upside was that we got to play in it.  In any case, we lived a lot better than this:

My Big Wheel had a seat for one thing.  Also, we had a much nicer house:

(Chez Rockmanstein, circa 1978)

Yeah, it's true.  My last name's not really Rock Machine.  I just changed it for "show business."

Of course today there's just as much if not more trash, but I guess the difference is that we just ship it off to Pennsylvania.  This creates the illusion that New York is a clean city, it keeps the neighborhoods gentrifying and the real estate values climbing, and it forces the poor people to move away to Pennsylvania along with the trash.  It's also an illusion that will be further enhanced by the bike share system, which the Department of Transportation says won't result in a bloodbath in the streets (or at least it won't add to the bloodbath that we're already experiencing):

Citibike:

With Citibike stations finally starting to surface, one questioner asked the DOT rep how he thought new cyclists would fare wobbling down the crowded city streets. Predictably, Benson was optimistic. "I personally don’t think it’s going to lead to chaos," Benson argued. "I think we have so many cyclists out on the streets, and we’re all out there setting a good example, I don’t think you’re going to see people hopping on these bikes and doing crazy stuff. I think it’s important for all of us to keep cycling with that in mind, that we’re setting an example for these people who want to take bikes out for the first time."

He added that New York has "one of the best networks of bike lanes in the country, and it's getting better by the day. I think that’s really going to make this all possible. People have a place to be when they’re biking, so there’s going to be a lot less friction between cyclists, pedestrians, motorists than there would otherwise be if there weren’t segregated bike lanes. I think we’re set up very well."

I agree--apart from the "we're all out there setting a good example" part, which is ridiculous.  I fell off a folding bike in traffic while attempting to place a cellphone call the other day, and I'm one of the more experienced and responsible cyclists you're likely to encounter.  Clearly I deserve some of that NYPD "tough love:"

Should cyclists get off easier than drivers for running red lights?

"The punishment is not in the purview of the police department," Hurley said. "I certainly don't think we're targeting cyclists. Enforcement is really just tough love to cyclists—we're trying to keep them from getting injured." He added that "speeding is top priority, along with DWIs and texting while driving. We take it very seriously."

But Steely-White disagreed. "The NYPD is doing very, very little speed enforcement at the moment," he said.

It used to bother me when I'd hear about the police not bothering to chase down hit-and-run drivers or ticketing cyclists for breaking laws that don't exist, but now that I know it's just "tough love" I feel a lot better.  In fact, I feel...loved:


No, the tourists will be fine.  After all, if they can manage to use bike share in London they can manage it here--though I do think the weak link in the system will be the NYPD.  Consider the hapless rider who has a crash, consults the Citi Bike FAQ, and runs up against some of that "tough love:"

I've had a crash involving my Citi Bike bicycle. What do I do?

Call 911 immediately. You should also call the police precinct in which the crash took place and file a report with an officer. This will help assure all important information is documented.

Within 24 hours of the incident, you must notify us of the facts of the crash by calling and speaking with a Customer Service Representative at 1-855-BIKE-311(245-3311). We will provide you with a Citi Bike Crash Report to fill out. Remember, The bike remains your responsibility until it has been properly locked at a dock, or handed over to a Citi Bike representative.

Right, here's how that works.  First, you get "doored" in the bike lane.  Then you call 911, at which point the NYPD arrives and arrests you for intentionally ramming a BMW.  As for the Citi Bike that you're now unable to return, it gets stolen and you're out the $1,000 deposit.  Finally you come back to New York six months later, and you notice that all the Chinese food delivery people are riding what appear to be spray-painted Citi Bikes.

Oh, here's what the FAQ has to say about helments:

Do I have to wear a helmet?

Please.  Don't be such a "woosie."  This bike weighs more than your sofa for fuck's sake, there's no way you're going to get it moving more than 10mph.  You're more likely to sustain a head injury after falling off a bar stool.

And here's what it has to say about fixies:

Are any of the Citi Bikes fixies?

Go back to Portland.

This bike share thing is going to be a hit, I can feel it.

Meanwhile, thanks to a Tweeterer, here's a photo of Doper Sagan ejaculating sparks:

And here he is last year getting head from a stuffed bear:

Well, as long as he doesn't run afoul of the UCI rule prohibiting participation in "unsanctioned" events he should be all right--though now they're not going to start enforcing it until 2014:

This should give irate riders plenty of time to form a new breakaway league, or at least to binge on "forbidden races:"

UCI general regulations include a section called "Forbidden Races". Within it, Rule 1.2.019 states, "No licence holder may participate in an event that has not been included on a national, continental or world calendar or that has not been recognised by a national federation, a continental confederation or the UCI."  Related rules 1.2.020 and 1.2.021 provide additional details, including specifying punishment via fine or suspension for all UCI licence holders who violate the rule.

Though whether the UCI will still permit riders to partake in "forbidden dances" remains to be seen:

In any case, as the article points out, the "American mountain bike community" is particularly incensed by the rule, because here's what will happen if it's enforced:

1) An American mountain bike pro wants to stay fit and have fun in a slightly irreverent fashion alongside people with hairy legs;

2) This American mountain bike pro enters one of those non-race races in California like the "Super Cool Laid Back Vibes 100," the "Incessant References to Coffee and Beer Cyclocross Adventure Chillout," or the "Rim Brake Rigid Fork Steel Frame Thumbshifter Retro-Ironic World Championships;"

3) A picture of the American mountain bike pro racing in a Tom Ritchey moustache and a g-string winds up in Velo-snooze;

4) The American mountain bike pro gets suspended and has to pay a fine in Swiss Francs, which isn't even a real kind of money;

5) Everybody has a sad :-(

It's especially ridiculous when you consider the sporting history of UCI President, Doper McQuaid:

He was banned from entering the 1976 Olympics after being caught racing in South Africa, in contravention of the anti-apartheid sporting boycott. He had entered the race using a false name, but was identified after being photographed by a press photographer.

"Forbidden Races" indeed.  So which is worse:  Enjoying some super cool laid back vibes in a g-string, or lying about your identity in order to sidestep a boycott against a country that violates human rights?

(Ironically, while the photographer was partially to blame, Doper McQuaid still might have gotten away with it if he hadn't also foolishly registered as "Nelson Mandela," who was imprisoned on Robben Island at the time.)

Lastly, a reader informs me that VeloNews is now taking liberties with Bret's wardrobe:

He's supposed to look ridiculous. but if you told me this was actually a page from the 2014 Rapha Forbidden Race "Look Book" I'd have no trouble believing you.