For some New Yorkers, there could be no happier activity on a spring afternoon in Manhattan than a leisurely bike ride. Actually owning a bicycle — the initial costs, the flat tires, the bruised shins that come from hoisting a bike up into storage — can detract from the charm. But what if your apartment building eliminated these hassles?
I'd really like to know how these people are bruising their shins while attempting to put a bike in storage. Are they trying to punt it into the crawlspace?
Meanwhile, unrelated to anything, did you know ducks have massive fusilli wangs?
For a strange sexual history, it’s hard to beat birds. In some lineages, bird penises have evolved to spectacular lengths. Ducks, for example, have corkscrew-shaped penises that can grow as long as their entire body. They use their baroque genitalia to deliver sperm to female reproductive tracts that are also corkscrew-shaped — but twisted in the opposite direction.
Act all aloof if you want, but the phrase "baroque genitalia" made my day.
And don't pretend you don't want to see that duck dork:
(Long duck dong.)
Unfortunately though, the same dumbasses who want commercials during "Sesame Street" also don't want scientists spending our money to study bird junk:
Research on the sex life of birds has come under fire from critics who claim that it’s unimportant and a waste of federal money, particularly in times of lean spending. In April the criticism from Fox News and conservative pundits became so intense that Patricia Brennan, an expert on bird genitalia at the University of Massachusetts, wrote an essay for Slate defending the value of her research.
This is ridiculous. Studying bird schvontzes is important. Picture this: intelligent life from elsewhere in the universe finally deigns to visit us, and the President of the United States is giving them a tour of what remains of our nation's natural beauty. Strolling by a pond, the Hermaphroditic King/Queen of the Aliens notes some ducks and remarks, "Beautiful animals. What can you tell me about their genitals and how they reproduce?"
"Well, I, uh, the thing is we don't know much about ducks because we didn't want to spend the money to study them. We think they come from eggs but that's about all we know at this point. Anyway, can I interest you in purchasing a firearm and shooting one? Guns are only minimally regulated here."
"Wow, you people are fucking retarded," the Hermaphroditic King/Queen of the Aliens will reply before s/he and his/her retinue all reproduce exponentially by mitosis, eradicate humankind in disgust, and take over the planet.
Look, it's important to understand the world around you, much more so than it is to be able to shoot at it. Did you know this? I didn't:
Male birds that lack a penis have an opening known as a cloaca. To mate, a male bird presses his cloaca against a female’s, so that his sperm can flow into her body. Scientists have a poetic name for this act: the cloacal kiss.
That's right, now I know some birds make more birds by rubbing their vaginas and manginas together, and I'm a better person for it.
In any case, I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who said, "A society is only as great as its knowledge of animal genitals."
Lastly, via Streetsblog, Citi Bike has made the "Daily Show:"
Brilliant.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see the woman who represents the majority of citizens.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may all your kisses be cloacal.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) What is this?
--A bell
--A belll
--A handlebar-mounted Pez dispenser
--The new Apple secret decoder iRing
2) What is this?
--Outlier's new $75 linen towel
--Rapha's new $125 "Feed Zone" dinner napkin
--An artisanal dhoti
--A ceremonial Scarlet Shroud of Shame with which the Hasidim of Brooklyn forcibly cover the menstruating hipster women who venture into their neighborhood
3) The ShamanCycle is:
--"Balanced but not overly confident in extreme situations"
--"A giant 10-person eagle bicycle with beautiful metal wings and flaming eyeballs"
--A human-powered sweatlodge set to debut at Portland's Pedalpalooza
--A ceremonial Scarlet Shroud of Shame with which the Shamans of Park Slope forcibly cover the menstruating hipster women who venture into their neighborhood
(This guy is amazed by socks.)
--True
--False
5) Fill In the Blank: Dorothy Rabinowitz believes New York City's best neighborhoods have been "________" by Citi Bike.
--Befouled
--Besmirched
--Begrimed
--Cockwalloped
(Kickstarter entrepreneur fingerbangs his star-fangled nut.)
6) This Kickstarter project is going to revolutionize:
(He's all begrimed.)
7) Fill In The Blank: "While in this nearly frozen state, the ____’s heart stops beating completely, its lungs cease working, and its brain activity is almost unmeasurable."
--Toad
--Frog
--Duck
--Dorothy Rabinowitz
***Special Cringeworthy Person-Who-Watches-Way-Too-Much-E!-Channel-And-Her-Friends-Are-Too-Nice-To-Tell-Her-She's-Not-Funny Bonus Video!***
