Yeah, I know, you live in Texas/Arizona/Nevada/Death Valley/Satan's Scranus and 94 degrees is nothing to you. Well, save it. This is the most important city in Canada's Prince Albert piercing and our lives are very complicated, so you've got to add at least 15 degrees to any heatwave to understand the actual level of discomfort we're experiencing.
Anyway, here's a stock photo of someone trying to find relief from the heat by doing something extremely pornographic:
Looks like she's giving someone a "Rubbee:"
(Richard Branson receiving a Rubbee and enjoying its smooth roller action.)
"Fantastic" indeed.
Speaking of yesterday's post, the Eternal Helment Debate is finally at an end, having been put to rest once and for all by a commenter:
Anonymous said...
I believe that people who wear helmets are more than likely to use condoms in their personal live. Like condoms helmets protect the user to a point from potential injury ({mostly NON-}/reversible STIs or unwanted pregnancy[former]). What risk you future health it you live to have a clean STI FREE NO BABY FUTURE...
Hey I guess it all comes around when your out of the gene pool that works out great. Don't wear a helmet but wear a condom while giving & receiving head(I call it head for all sexes),anal,CUNT because we need a lot use of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 19, 2013 at 4:36 AM
And there you have it.
Always wear a condom, or else you'll catch an STI:
(A shot of Penicillin should clear that right up.)
As for the debate as to whether or not Tour de France leader Chris "Froomunda Cheese" Froome is on the doping or not, Jonathan Vaughters has the last word on that subject as well:
VN: Do you want to know yes or no?
JV: Of course. But I don’t think that the definitive answer to that comes out for a while … With time, all truth is revealed. But like I said, my hope and belief — put it to you this way. If you put a gun to my head and say, is Chris Froome clean or is Chris Froome not? You get it wrong and the bullet goes off, right? My expectation would be that I would hear “click” and the bullet wouldn’t go off. But would I be f—ing wincing beforehand? Yes.
I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what he meant by any of that, but apparently it was some heavy shit.
To him.
I do like Vaughters's new look though. The sideburns were way too '90s. He'd fit right in in the New Brooklyn now--if the mockingbirds don't drive him out, that is:
(Via Leroy's dog.)
Yes, gentrification-averse mockingbirds are apparently doing their best to drive out the new arrivals who are jacking up their rents and replacing their neighborhood birdseed joints with artisanal mayo boutiques:
Also last week, Pacifico Silano, an artist from Williamsburg, was sunbathing with a friend at the park (officially known as WNYC Transmitter Park because it was built on the former site of WNYC’s radio towers) when a frantic woman with two small dogs approached.
“She was like, ‘Be careful. There’s this bird hanging out over there and it’s attacking me,’” said Mr. Silano, 27. “I was like, ‘Are we really having this conversation?’”
I can't wait for the remake of "The Birds," set amid the wishy-washy self-absorption of the New Brooklyn, because, like, you know, the drama?
"So like this bird? It's attacking me?"
"Like, really? Like, a bird?"
"Yeah? It's got a really sharp beak? And claws?"
"Seriously? Are we really having this conversation?"
And so forth until a bunch of mockingbirds peck their eyes out.
By the way, I realize he's an artist from Williamsburg, but what kind of asshole responds to a warning of impending physical harm with, "Are we really having this conversation?"
"Help! There's a naked man running around the park with an axe!"
"Are we really having this conversation?"
Then, as the life oozes from his split skull:
"Please tell me that axe was a Best Made."
"Are we really even having this conversation?," the killer will reply.
Meanwhile, as birds attack Brooklynites, across the river in Manhattan humans are attacking Citi Bike stations:
Why? Because, like, Citibank? It's a bank? And banks are bad?
"NO CITIGROUP AT ALL IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!," says the note. Seriously? Are we really having this conversation? It's SoHo! I bet at least half the douchebags in that neighborhood have mortgages with CitiGroup, yet this person smashes the bike kiosk. Anyway, good job picking the softest possible target in your war against capitalism. It's like being upset at BP for the Gulf oil spill and smashing the candy rack in your local gas station.
Speaking of a kid in a candy store, check out this burglar browsing an entire garage full of crabon:
Here he is admiring one of those bikes like they have in the Tour de France with the curved handlebars and the shifters combined with the break leavers:
By the way, congratulations to the Bellevue, WA police department for failing to catch the thief even though the homeowners were watching the burglary on a smartphone in real time--though at least they got a shot of the culprit:
It should be an easy case to crack, because that's obviously Dave Stoller from "Breaking Away:"
Lastly, Fat Cyclists wants me to know you can win a stupendously Fredly Trek dreamcycle by entering his latest contest:
I like when Trek does custom paint. It's kinda like when the Bar Mitzvah band says, "Fuck It," stops playing "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang, and launches into an extended version of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."
Then you'll get some crabon to put on it:
Along with some more crabon:
Well, it's like something, anyway.
It's too hot to figure out what.
