Sorry, I uploaded the wrong photo. Here's the correct one:
I'm relatively certain that's Classics star and enthusiast of drugs both recreational and performance-enhancing, Tom Boonen, immediately after receiving a vigorous massage:
If you're wondering why professional cycling isn't more popular in the United States, it's only because Americans have a low tolerance for both bicycles and men massaging other men to gentle flute sounds--especially if the massage takes place after a bicycle ride.
Anyway, what really makes this snowstorm difficult to take is that it's probably due to global warming (snow in January in the Northeastern United States being highly unusual), which in turn is caused almost entirely by cyclists. See, they don't tell you that, do they? No, they don't. And if you're wondering who "they" are, it's the "Smugness Illuminati" who perpetuate the nonsense that it's drivers who are to blame. This triumvirate consists of:
David Byrne, who doesn't own a car;
Matthew Modine, who has to do everything David Byrne does, but times two. For example, if David Byrne doesn't own a car, Matthew Modine doesn't own two cars. If David Byrne wears tartan while standing next to a bicycle, Matthew Modine dresses like Groundskeeper Willie and lifts a bicycle by employing the dreaded "One-Handed Fred Hoist." And so forth;
And of course Dorothy Rabinowitz, whose highly-calculated "geriatric ditz" act did more to rally the forces of cycling than David Byrne, Matthew Modine, and the entire city of Portland combined.
Anyway, the Smugness Illuminati do not want you to know certain facts*, such as:
--Private courier companies (FedEx, UPS, DHL, etc.) are responsible for 56% of the greenhouse gases emitted into the atmosphere, and in turn bicycles and bicycle-related products comprise 87% of the shipments carried by these companies.
--Not only will an American Fred order a bicycle component from the UK in order to save a small amount of money, but he will also have his LBS special order the same component for him "just in case," though he will neglect to pick it up assuming the online purchase arrives in a timely fashion. Therefore, a Fredly online purchase typically has at least double the "crabon footprint" of an ordinary, non-cycling online purchase.
--Cars are the most recycled consumer products in the world, whereas a single crabon bicycle frame requires roughly 100 gallons of oil to produce and is rarely ridden for more than a year before winding up in a landfill. Moreover, crabon fiber dust is now the leading cause of childhood asthma in China, and the average age of a bicycle factory worker is 9 years old.
--Certain high-end crabon fiber racing bicycles employ a filament made from whale bone which is purported to enhance vertical compliance and lateral rigidity. Bicycle models which utilize this whale bone filament include the Pinarello Dogma 2, the Cannondale Supersix Evo, and the entire Specialized S-Works line.
--Production of a single "fat bike" tire produces roughly six times the emissions of a single OEM tire for a Honda Civic. At the same time, that fat bike tire lasts for 500 miles, whereas a typical car tire lasts 50,000 miles. (Though admittedly at that wear rate it would take the typical fat bike owner 100 years to wear out a single tire.)
--Due to cyclists' propensity for social networking, the average cyclist uses more electricity per mile than a Tesla Model S.
*None of these are facts.
By the way, behind every conspiracy is an evil corporation, and if you're wondering who's funding the Smugness Illuminati the answer is Dunkin' Donuts, who are tired of cars crashing into their storefronts:
(Via a reader.)
I guess they must figure that, since a driver smashes into a Dunkin' Dunuts pretty much every day, at least if they switch to bicycles they'll do a lot less damage.
Oh, those wacky drivers, always crashing into stuff:
The FDNY said a motorist lost control of his vehicle near 79th Street and Second Avenue at about 2 p.m. and crashed into the storefront window of Bond New York, a real estate office.
"I thought it was a Dunkin' Donuts," explained the driver. No criminality is suspected and no charges were filed, though the driver was issued a warning as well as directions to the nearest Dunkin' Donuts.
Speaking of motor-vehicular mayhem, last week, to the delight of smuggies everywhere, Mayor Bill de Blasio finally rolled out "Vision Zero:"
It's off to a great start, too, because already the police are heading to the deadliest intersections, ticketing jaywalkers, and occasionally beating the shit out of them:
After a 26-year-old woman was fatally struck as she jaywalked across W. 96th Street on the Upper West Side early this morning—the third such pedestrian fatality in the area in the last eight days—cops went out in full force there today, giving tickets to jaywalkers and checking drivers' licenses. And according to the Post, cops assaulted an elderly man who jaywalked in front of reporters and NYPD officers around 5 p.m. this afternoon.
By the way, they ticketed five drivers and ten pedestrians (and they beat up zero drivers and one pedestrian), so it would appear that attaining Vision Zero is going to consist mostly of making sure the streets are empty of pedestrians. That way, only Dunkin' Donuts customers will be at risk. Also, they handed out flyers:
Given that the majority of pedestrians hit by drivers have the right of way and are in the crosswalk (including the 9 year-old boy who was just killed by a taxi driver in that very intersection), the "Lines in the crosswalk help remind drivers to watch out for pedestrians" bit is pretty cute. Still, my favorite is this one:
"Pedestrians who have been drinking have been killed."
Most of the flyer is simply hilarious, but this line is downright Orwellian. It's just so vague and threatening, thanks mostly to the use of the passive voice. I mean, how have they been killed? And who killed them? Nobody knows. One moment you're buzzed on a couple of martinis and strolling jauntily down the street, and the next you're in a dark room with a rat cage strapped to your face. In fact, this may very well be my favorite NYPD safety tip to date, though it's probably tied with this one:
"Wear light or bright-colored or reflective clothing, especially if you walk at night. Use a flashlight if you walk at night."
Really, the idea of cracking down on jaywalkers is so stupid I almost wish they'd go back to cracking down on cyclists--though I'm sure they will just a soon as a few more of us die:
See, they're ticketing you in order to save you.
That's how it works.
